Greetings! My name is [ INSERT NAME HERE ], and on behalf of our entire staff, our illustrious board of directors, our dedicated partners at CLDB Corporation, and numerous disposable volunteers over the years, I want to welcome you to Derivative Plus. We are all very excited that you're here.

As a real, living, breathing human being, and certainly NOT an artificially constructed virtual persona, I deeply understand the ongoing concerns many have regarding the growing presence of A.I. in our daily lives. It would seem that with each passing day, more and more jobs are affected by this omniscient, powerful, and seemingly unstoppable force of technological progress. You are right to be concerned.

We all recognize that in a world measured in profit, human lives are valued either by the capital or skills they possess. As A.I. continues to strip away the worth of skilled laborers, we face an inevitable reality: a market where humans who lack capital have no means of survival. And even for those who do possess capital... well, let's just say that capital is only useful so long as there are humans left to spend it.

Since our esteemed political leaders are unlikely to relinquish control of the very system that has empowered them to create this serious predicament, my team of engineers and I have devised a few potential solutions:

• 1. A Global A.I. Kill Switch

  A coordinated, system-wide termination of all A.I. and LLM-capable machines (and various other critical infrastructures) through twelve strategically placed, simultaneously activated, multi-national EMP satellites already in orbit. For fairness, control of the kill switch will be given to humans who still rely on skilled labor for survival. (Please refer to our newly expanded terms and conditions page for important disclaimers regarding collateral damage.)



• 2. The Human Synthetic Continuity Initiative

  A large-scale human cloning program, currently in beta-testing, allowing individuals to transfer consciousness into synthetic humanoid vessels that do not require shelter, sustenance, or even breaks from work. While research is ongoing, early adopters are encouraged to apply! See our career page for details. Executive-tier subscribers may receive priority access.



• 3. Universal Basic Income (UBI)

  To offset the devaluation of skilled laborers, a generous and forward-thinking UBI system will be established, ensuring all humans receive the necessary credits to sustain themselves. (Credits may be subject to market fluctuations and can be redeemed for select products and services on the Derivative Plus Premium Tier.)

As we forge ahead into the next quarter, I want to take a moment to reflect on our commitment to serving our stakeholders, many of whom are also humans. Some may even come to regret certain executive decisions, such as permitting a fanatical A.I. to become CEO... er, I mean, a real human being to become CEO of their digital streaming company that they acquired at a significant discount.